read right as polite, because they get offended easily.

I’m a male nurse in a predominantly female unit.

How I see a job: I’m there to work and go home and don’t want to socialize. Each of my coworkers is welcomed to talk about work with me, but I don’t disclose my personal life, age or life goals with them. Work and let me work. If you need help, call me, we’ll work together.

How my unit works: there is a group that’s childish and gossipy, don’t know boundaries and act like a clique, but maybe 50% of the unit are people that work and let me work, help me and I help them (with the gossip clique this is not always the case).

I was sick for 4 weeks and I’ve decided this is a good opportunity to establish boundaries, something I’ve never done at my current unit. Why now? Being sick I had time to think what I don’t want in my life: faking interest in the sexual life or my coworkers, knowing who started dating who or what they think of Biden or the second amendment ain’t things I care about. I’ve had a coworker trying to find me a girlfriend a week after knowing me. No thanks.

I’m entertaining other job prospects and I still don’t know if I’m gonna jump ship, so for the time being, I’m here. Where I work I’m forced to eat with the rest of the team, including the gossips, so I’m trapped (because if I don’t eat with them they’ll start asking why I’m so unfriendly or if I’m angry at them and feel offended, they simply cannot understand that sometimes I want time to unwind without them).

What I think I could tell them, next time they start with their inquisitive questions:

‘I’ve worked here for a year already. It should be clear by now that I’m not a talkative person. This is a question I don’t want to answer. And I hope that you respect that.’

‘that I don’t talk doesn’t mean I hate you, it means I have nothing to say’ < I find it ludicrous even having to explain this.

‘I don’t see what that has to do with the job’

‘I don’t talk about religion, politics or my private life with coworkers and I hope you respect that’

should they keep pestering:

‘all right, I need time to unwind, which means today I’ll spend my pause somewhere else.’ and proceed to eat alone somewhere else.

And if they pester yet again:

‘leave me alone’

if by this point some of them start giving me the evil eye and afterwards start ignoring me or treat me differently, time to accelerate my transfer to another unit.

If you like keeping boundaries with your coworkers, what do you tell them that works?

  • RaoulDook@lemmy.world
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    The only one of those responses you listed that might not make people upset is this one:

    ‘I don’t talk about religion, politics or my private life with coworkers and I hope you respect that’

    All of the others are going to go over poorly, if you are concerned about that.

    • Sensitivezombie@lemmy.zip
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      You absolutely can go have lunch elsewhere. I’ve been in similar situation. If asked, you can simply tell them, I enjoy having lunch by myself, it helps me recharge. Also, most of the time, boundaries are set through action not only words. Just do what you prefer without the concern of what others will think or feel, while being polite with your words. Most people will pick up on you actions and eventually leave up be. I’ve had serious boundary issues in my family and I’ve had to learn quite a bit about forming proper sustainable boundaries.

  • algorithmae@lemmy.sdf.org
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    ‘I’ve worked here for a year already. It should be clear by now that I’m not a talkative person. This is a question I don’t want to answer. And I hope that you respect that.’

    This won’t be taken well at all and sounds incredibly assholish.

    ‘that I don’t talk doesn’t mean I hate you, it means I have nothing to say’ < I find it ludicrous even having to explain this.

    Still kinda rude IMO

    ‘I don’t see what that has to do with the job’

    Depending on the situation could also be rude.

    ‘I don’t talk about religion, politics or my private life with coworkers and I hope you respect that’

    Yes, this is good. Firm and clear.

    ‘all right, I need time to unwind, which means today I’ll spend my pause somewhere else.’ and proceed to eat alone somewhere else. And if they pester yet again: ‘leave me alone’

    How about just “Sorry, I don’t feel like talking right now.” except you say that every time like a broken record. They’ll move on eventually since you never have anything to add.

    • waz@lemmy.world
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      3 months ago

      What about phrasing it so the effort isn’t on you, but them?

      “I’ve never really felt comfortable around [describe group]”. This way, the failure isn’t yours to get comfortable, but on them to mwake you comfortable.

    • dennis5wheel@programming.devOP
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      I might just repeat like a broken record ‘I don’t want to talk about it and I hope you respect that’.

      I still believe a nosy person will test this boundary, but I’ll try it and see what happens.

  • BlameThePeacock@lemmy.ca
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    Humans are social animals, you’re the odd one out here from a social perspective, not that you’re not entitled to that choice but choices have consequences.

    I’d suggest just ignoring them. You aren’t going to find a better work environment anywhere else unless you literally have no coworkers.

    • FeelzGoodMan420@eviltoast.org
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      I sympathize with OP. I’m an introvert and have never felt even the slightest motivation to be friends with my coworkers. I don’t care about any of them. I just want to do my job. I understand how I may be the minority in these situations. It’s frustrating but I understand why it happens. It’s tough.

        • FeelzGoodMan420@eviltoast.org
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          Well working remotely helps, ha. But I do have to be on calls constantly with my manager and others. But before when i was office based, it was hard. I had the same struggles at OP. I often just didn’t have the emotional capacity to eat lunch with my team and to engage in bullshit small talk conversations for an hour. It was always the same conversations over and over again. One guy would talk about his kids and complain about his mean wife. Another guy would argue politics. One woman would just talk about other boring bullshit and she was incredibly judgemental whenever I’d talk about my life. The worst was when the COO would sit with us and just straight up brag about the expensive things he owned. No joke. This happened a ton.

          I’d eat at my desk a lot. And you can bet your ass that people noticed and some even gave me shit for it to my face.

          I may need to clarify this. I didn’t mean to say that I don’t want to speak to anyone at all. That’s just not realistic with most jobs. I just mean that I don’t feel the need to be friends with them, and I’m not interested in getting to know anyone outside of the immediate professional duties we have to perform. I don’t care about their personal opinions or their families. I just don’t fucking care. In fact, I actively don’t want to know about anyone at work. I just want to do my job and leave/sign off and talk to my actual friends/family. I have no room for work relationships. I only have a finite amount of energy and I rather just put that into my work.

  • slazer2au@lemmy.world
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    I would go full chaos route and lie differently to each one. Just so they have no clue what is going on.

    They ask about weekend plans. Went to a concert, stayed home doing nothing, went to the beach.

    Pester you about relationship status. You have a partner, to just broke up, you have no interest in dating ATM, your divorced.

    Throw a wrench at them. Confusing them for entertainment.

    • dennis5wheel@programming.devOP
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      while I’m very tempted to follow this route, what do I tell them if 2 of them gang together with the contradictory info I fed them and confront me? ‘I don’t recall ever saying that, please let me work’?

      It’s even worse when your supervisor sometimes acts like one of these people.

  • PhlubbaDubba@lemm.ee
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    Gossips will tend to respond to outright rejection by gossiping about you instead, and being a man in a predominantly woman’s field is gonna mean that gossip can get very dangerous for you and your career very quickly.

    Remember, gossip doesn’t have to be true to still be hot, and scorned gossips will be more than happy to exploit that to the fullest to spite you.

    Don’t tell them you don’t care about religion and politics either, because even if you don’t women have learned from shitbags to translate that to “I may or may not have been at the capital on Jan 6th and held a bonfire celebration burning IUDs when Dobbs came down, but I still want to get laid ever.”

    My advise, try just being boring. Contribute duds to any conversations they try to involve you in where you’re uncomfortable.

    Most importantly speak to a supervisor you feel you can trust to not tell the gossips and tell them the gossip makes you uncomfortable so that if the boring act doesn’t work and they start gossiping on you already, there’s a previous record indicating they might do that and it’ll at least insulate your future career prospects.

    As for sex life talk, women are under two impressions, 1, that they aren’t being raunchy when they talk about their sex lives, and 2, that men do it way more and are way grosser about it.

    It is entirely possible that they keep bringing up sex lives because they’re trying to relate to you and extravert adopt you, so if you gently explain that you don’t feel comfortable talking about sex with coworkers you might find yourself in a more open conversation about mixed signals and how you all can create a better working relationship.

    Some people keep trying to talk to ya because they really do just want to be friends! That sounds obvious but trust me it’s hard to actually internalize that to the point that you can believe it when it’s happening to you. Missed out on chill compsci bonding time with this pretty cool dude named gabe because I didn’t get that he was being so spontaneously friendly to me so much because he’s just a friendly guy. I met tech wiz Ned Flanders and it didn’t register to me for a solid year lol.

    You strike me as a bit of an introvert so I’ll add, uncomfortable but tactful conversations now can save you exponentially more awkward and embarrassing ones later.

    • dennis5wheel@programming.devOP
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      thanks a lot for all of this, so many things I didn’t even consider. I never thought they could be this dangerous. Petty and childish? Every day, but this dangerous? Nope. How naive of me.

      As I guess you know, it’s very tiring to pretend interest when they bore me. It’s really dawning to me that the best outcome would be to work entirely somewhere else or follow your advice and ask my supervisor not to make me work with them.

      I’m not that convinced about fake bonding with the nosy ones, because, why would I do that? I have no trouble discussing the weather or recipes with the other 50%, it’s just this clique that’s… childish and immature. And I don’t go to work to feel stressed.

  • Caveman@lemmy.world
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    Having a good relationship with coworkers is in general great in my opinion and talking about personal life, politics and religion can be avoided with for example:

    • “I’m not that into politics”
    • “sorry, I don’t like talking about religion”
    • “Sorry, that’s a part I like to keep private” Also always steer conversations towards work topics and problems.

    Then there are ways to differently stop conversations like

    • “Sorry, I’m feeling tired today” < all nurses should relate
    • “Sorry, I’m not in the mood for talking right now”

    Then there’s the general fact that often you don’t really don’t have to say anything as long as you listen and ask exploratory questions. I’m autistic and can barely keep a conversation going but this goes pretty well for me without a lot of effort. Just say stuff like:

    • “So you’re saying that [literally rephrasing their point]”
    • “So does that mean that…”
    • “That must have been tricky”
    • “That sounds hard/tricky/difficult”
    • “Did you manage?”
    • “So what did you do/end up doing?”
    • “That sucks”

    And if they somehow end up being sad and almost crying which happens more often than I’d like to admit you can just say “That sucks” put a hand on their shoulder and wait.

    Another option would be to invite them to silence like:

    • “I’m spent, do you want to sit over there, relax and eat in silence?”

    People are sometimes uncomfortable with silence but not as much when it’s on purpose.

    It’s just conversation lubricant. If you feel like the conversation is interesting then “Have you thought about doing X?”.

    I can’t stress enough how much people will like you by just actively listening.

    But always, be like the British monarchy, never take sides. Instead propose neutral hypotheticals like “Maybe they were having a bad day”. I’ve been in my fair share of gossip but acting as Switzerland manages to just avoid most of it. When people say “Why are you hanging out with X” then responding with “They never did anything to me”. If really pressed for opinion then say “I don’t know all the details so I can’t really give an honest opinion”. If they still press you after that you have my condolences since that’s toxic.

  • Alsjemenou@lemy.nl
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    Sounds like a one sided arrangement that’s only good for you and not for the cohesion of the group. What’s the actual problem with connecting to/socialising with people?

    I get that it’s annoying sometimes, and it’s fine to have limits. But you’re working in a place where other people are working, some people need socialising just like you need space. It’s give and take. You’re just asking for special treatment because you’re introverted?

    Sorry but the excuse that it’s ‘just work’ is bullshit. You have responsibility, you’re an adult, different people different needs, be accommodating to get accommodation.

    • z00s@lemmy.world
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      Some people need socialising

      Great, so find some people who want to socialise. Having that need does not give them the right to force OP to socialise if he doesn’t want to. He’s not stopping them from doing it, he just doesn’t want to partake in it himself, and he has every right not to.

      OP owes exactly nothing to his co-workers other than doing his job and being polite. If you think he does, then you’re the problem.

      Why do you think it’s OK to force someone else into interacting with the world the same way you do, just to please you? That’s not what OP is doing.

      • Maalus@lemmy.world
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        Yeah and being polite includes making small talk when people want to engage with you, not be a dude that says “don’t talk to me we just work together”. Work consists of 1/3rd of your life, even more for a nurse where doing a 24hr shift is normal. Not engaging with anyone during that time is being rude, even if you don’t like to talk to people. It’s like the minimum of a social contract.

        • z00s@lemmy.world
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          OP proposed many ways to let his co-workers know he doesn’t like chatting and none of them are what you quoted. In fact, he expressly created this thread to figure out how not to be rude to them

          People are allowed to keep to themselves. Why does it bother you so much? Why are you so personally offended by this? I’ve never understood why extroverts feel as if the world owes them attention.

          • Maalus@lemmy.world
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            Stop assuming things about people after reading a single comment. I am not an extravert. The reality of it is - completely ignoring and not talking to your coworkers is weird. Even if you don’t like socializing to a fault, it doesn’t mean you behave like a weirdo when someone engages you in simple conversation. Also, since they are a nurse, they’ll be the same towards their patients? Where is the limit? Bedside manner is important and so is interacting with the people you work with.

            • z00s@lemmy.world
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              3 months ago

              Your entire post is a series of straw man arguments that are completely fabricated.

              • Maalus@lemmy.world
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                Sure buddy, lock yourself up in a basement and don’t interact with anyone, see how quickly you get fired.

                • z00s@lemmy.world
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                  Sure buddy, force people to do what you want, see how quickly you get fired.

          • dennis5wheel@programming.devOP
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            thank you for defending me, but as you can see, being a minority is not easy: a neutrally worded and genuine question is met by animosity because people like maalus simply don’t understand or don’t want to understand. And he get’s upvoted. Even worse, he and his followers assume malevolence.

            Just wanted you to know that I appreciate the feeling, but they are more and talk waaay more.

            But still, I don’t know what to tell my delicate coworkers.

            And make no mistake, this post will also be downvoted…

            • z00s@lemmy.world
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              Yeah I know. It still annoys me though, I don’t want this place to turn into Reddit.

              I understand your frustration, I’m an introvert and I work in education which is about 75% women, so I have run across groups like what you describe.

              The easiest fix is to find a better work place, but in the meantime the only thing I’ve found that works is to become boring to them; listen politely but give short, non-committal answers. Shrug and say “I don’t know” as much as you can. Don’t say anything that they can use to ask a follow up question. If you get a hardcore talker, excuse yourself to go to the bathroom.

      • CouncilOfFriends@lemmy.world
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        I can’t agree with this more, thinking coworkers are owed your attention especially during breaks reeks of narcissism. My job doesn’t include or train me for providing therapy to old men who exclusively watch Fox News in the break room and debate which minority is to blame for the world scaring them. Which is why after trying to add reason to these conversations a few times eating lunch in your car can be a healthy option.

      • Alsjemenou@lemy.nl
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        Nobody is forcing anybody to do anything. And if you believe that people need to owe you something before you can engage with them, your obviously not being serious. Ignoring social interaction in a group is not a great way of going about life.

        Especially not when you’re able and your only excuse is that you don’t want to. That’s how a 5 year old navigates life.

        • z00s@lemmy.world
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          The commenter I replied to wants to force OP to interact above and beyond what he wants to.

          That’s how 5 year olds navigate life. Adults understand that everyone is allowed to make their own choices.

  • MagicShel@programming.dev
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    Some people are going to be offended unless you participate in their games. In the army I had someone tell me he was going to punch me if I didn’t drink at a get together. So I drank. I probably would’ve anyway, but he was super weird about it.

    Redirect conversation, be noncommittal, let yourself get pulled away by duties, etc. Eventually if you’re lucky you just won’t be in the clique any more. But they’re never going to understand what you’re telling them without offense because they just don’t want to. There is no polite, easy way to do this that isn’t going to upset them. They will feel like you think you’re better than them.

  • BertramDitore@lemmy.world
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    My whole team and I work remotely, so it’s not the exact same situation as you, but I made a concerted effort from day one to set social boundaries with my colleagues. First week on the job my manager found out I’m single and offered to set me up with people. I acted very weird about it, purposefully exaggerating how uncomfortable the offer made me, and she got the hint. We have a very friendly and cordial working relationship, but she no longer pries into my personal life unless I volunteer information. Been happily working under her for four years now.

    That work/life separation quickly filtered down to the rest of my colleagues, to the point where now they act a little weird when a company call starts to get personal. Mission accomplished.

    I think the key thing is that you’ll never get through to people if they can’t read social cues. Sounds like your workplace cliques are filled with those types of oblivious folks, so you might just need to be completely explicit about keeping things fully professional. I’m lucky that my manager is emotionally intelligent, but that’s pretty rare these days.

    Good luck!!

    Edit: queues to cues

    • Riven@lemmy.dbzer0.com
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      I did the same, I’m polite, helpful and pleasant to be around. I also keep everyone at arms length and am very careful with how I phrase stuff, people in the office love me and understand I won’t be sharing personal stuff and I’m not interested in their personal stuff. If they wanna talk weather, TV shows or games I’m fine with that.

      I was always polite and vague with how I declined their questions early on and eventually they got the hints.

      • dennis5wheel@programming.devOP
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        am very careful with how I phrase stuff

        I was always polite and vague with how I declined their questions early on

        would you write some examples for me to use?

        • Riven@lemmy.dbzer0.com
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          Someone mentioned it down the thread but I say non committal stuff like ‘I’ll have to sit on it’ ‘it be that way sometimes’ ‘that’s interesting’ ‘I don’t know much about that’ ‘not sure to be honest’ ‘oh yea?’ ‘I hear ya’ ‘if it makes them happy’ ‘that’s how some people like it’ ‘I haven’t looked into it’ ‘I haven’t considered it’ ‘that’s what I hear’

          It all depends on context but I use these replies to let them know I hear them without picking a side if that makes sense. It’s best to act like you aren’t sure or don’t know when they ask about stuff.

          Here’s an example from yesterday from the trump Biden debate.

          They asked me if I was gonna watch and I just said I don’t know maybe, I was gonna leave it at that but they kept trying to sports team for Trump and pushing me to answer what I thought about them sitting so close. I took that chance to say I don’t really talk about politics at work, all the while typing away and working. That seemed to work and they took the hint and stopped.

          It helps if you always act like you don’t know/aren’t sure about things.

  • sailingbythelee@lemmy.world
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    I work with nurses. The vast majority of them are lovely people, but I’ve seen the nurse cliques you are talking about. So has my wife, who also works with nurses. I’ve seen departments of nurses with that “mean girl” vibe that require long-term HR intervention because they are so toxic to one another.

    If you see this kind of behavior, run for the hills. However, if you are just talking about normal human interaction to pass the time and socialize, then it is you who are not conforming to normal social expectations. You don’t have to conform, of course, but there are consequences to being anti-social.

    The question is, are you an introvert or a misanthrope? An introvert needs alone time to recharge and that’s fine. A misanthrope doesn’t like people, no doubt because of some childhood trauma. If the latter, then therapy might help.

    If you truly are an introvert who needs alone time to recharge, I’d suggest “going home to check on the dog” during your break. Even if you don’t have a dog. The point is that you need alone time and that’s perfectly valid.

    If you are generally sociable, but simply find their particular conversation boring or insipid, I’d suggest training for something where the work culture is more professional. Regular hospital floor nursing almost always has a “break room culture” and it is easy to get trapped in it, but there are lots of alternatives. Learn surgical assisting, for example, or become a nurse practitioner. Street nursing, public health nursing, and home care nursing are all examples where there is no real break room culture. Or get into management, where there are no breaks.

  • clockwork_octopus@lemmy.world
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    I can tell you that what works for me is to be polite but distant. I’ll say “good morning!” to my coworkers and “have a good night!” At the end of the shift. I’ll be helpful when needed, and I’ll do my best to work well with others.

    However, I’ll keep an “out” handy for when people get gossipy or nosy. I’ll bring a book along to read during breaks and at lunch, or I’ll keep something work-related in my hands when I’m around a group of coworkers, as an indicator to the group that I’m not wanting to chat.

    I’ve also gotten good at turning conversation back around on really chatty, insistent people. “No, I don’t have a favorite color. What’s yours?” “Yes, I do think that patient looks like Elvis, are you a fan of his?” “No, I don’t have a dog. Do you?” Basically, be really boring with your answers, but let them keep talking about themselves, as they’re likely tire themselves out eventually. Works if you can stand it, and if you can do your job with a coworker talking at you for an hour. Last resort, and all that.

    Of the examples you’ve given as responses, I think the only one that doesn’t make you come across as dickish is the one stating that you don’t want to talk about religion or politics, and even then, you sound like an asshole when you state this.

    Instead of “‘I’ve worked here for a year already. It should be clear by now that I’m not a talkative person. This is a question I don’t want to answer. And I hope that you respect that.’”, you could say something like “I don’t feel comfortable talking about this”. It’s shorter and way less aggressive, and people are more likely to listen to you when you’re not all up in their face over a question, you know?

    “‘that I don’t talk doesn’t mean I hate you, it means I have nothing to say’” For the record, I also think it’s ludicrous that you feel you have to say this. Maybe you could word it a little differently though, something like “I don’t mean for you to take it personally, I’m just a private person, and prefer to keep my home life at home”

    “‘I don’t see what that has to do with the job’” could be “Not to be a buzzkill, but mind if we keep this conversation on work?”

    • dennis5wheel@programming.devOP
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      I can tell you that what works for me is to be polite but distant. I’ll say “good morning!” to my coworkers and “have a good night!” At the end of the shift. I’ll be helpful when needed, and I’ll do my best to work well with others.

      I already do this, but to some where I work, it’s not enough.

      the rest of your sentences are worth a try.

  • Jimmycrackcrack@lemmy.ml
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    3 months ago

    You’ll likely run in to a little bit of trouble because you’re having to make explicit what would have been better for them to have inferred and when it’s made explicit like that, it will come across as very weird to people and they’ll probably have some trouble not taking it personally (even if they shouldn’t).

    Some understanding of the general tenor of how this group talks would make for better ways to communicate what you want to say but as general advice, your proposed ways of addressing this seem like they’re on the right track in spirit but you’re phrasing them in ways that imply a note of contempt.

    This is probably because you really do harbour some contempt for these guys given the way you described them, like calling them childish for example. If you actually want to express some of that animosity then your suggestions are probably fine but if you’re concerned about the “right” way to set these boundaries you might want to try and keep it neutral. This is also good if you don’t want to earn their contempt either which is probably advisable even if you don’t like them very much since you have to work with them and if they feel offended and hold a grudge it could risk spilling over in to the actual work.

    I like your idea of saying outright that you’re not a talkative person, hopefully they’ll feel a little guilty about having forced you in to having to say that and will not try to drag you in to the conversation so much from then on. The additional bits around that concept don’t seem advisable, you don’t have to chastise them for not realising you don’t want to talk, that’s likely to be unproductive, the point is you don’t want to talk. Similarly the “and I hope you respect that” addition is good for being firm but also comes across a little aggressive, best deployed only if you’ve already made your wishes explicit and they’re clearly not respecting that.

    Eating elsewhere, if that’s an option is great, it you can already opt for that do it, you can avoid even having to bring anything up and the physical separation makes questioning you about it really inconvenient. If they ask you about it later that’s when you can say you need time to unwind and that’s also by far the most socially acceptable and understandable reason that people are less likely to take personally. I don’t know if you resent the idea that your reasons have to be socially acceptable to these guys or should have to be massaged to avoid them taking things personally, but ask yourself this: do you want to teach them a lesson and demonstrate your contempt for them, or do you want to just be left alone to work and to continue to work effectively with them? Pragmatism over principle would make sense here.

    If it gets to the point where you have to actually say to another adult, in a work environment, “leave me alone” then odds are it probably won’t even work and your coworkers are complete idiots that need to be fired. However if that’s really the case, saying that, even if it doesn’t work is probably good since at that point things are probably going to escalate and at least no one can say you did or said anything inappropriate.

    In short, take the easiest route if possible and just eat somewhere else at lunch and redirect the conversation back to work if they keep talking to you during work. If you end up somehow having absolutely no other remaining options but to explicitly tell them you don’t want to talk be careful to communicate in a way so you only express this simple desire and don’t imply some sort of judgement or contempt towards them. Try to be nice about it.

    • dennis5wheel@programming.devOP
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      3 months ago

      thank you for your detailed answer.

      I don’t know if you resent the idea that your reasons have to be socially acceptable to these guys or should have to be massaged to avoid them taking things personally, but ask yourself this: do you want to teach them a lesson and demonstrate your contempt for them, or do you want to just be left alone to work and to continue to work effectively with them? Pragmatism over principle would make sense here.

      my reasons have to be acceptable to them, because otherwise, they’ll feel offended. And this is not a group of adults capable of separating work from personal life, they perceive slights very easily and once they feel offended, they lash out and use any pretext to not help with patients and suddenly, I’m the only one catering to patients while they sit and talk.

      I just want to work until I find another workplace. I don’t believe it makes sense to work with them long term.

      In short, take the easiest route if possible and just eat somewhere else at lunch and redirect the conversation back to work if they keep talking to you during work.

      I cannot eat lunch alone because I have to be on call, even when I’m doing my pause. As a matter of fact, I don’t have a pause. At other units, employees take turns to pause and the ones on duty, work, so each of us gets 30 minutes of peace. This doesn’t happen where I work because for whatever reason, manager wants us to eat all together and feels offended if somebody chooses not to eat with them. They feel offended even for this. If I choose eating elsewhere, manager will order me with her fake politeness to eat with them, because I have to be there, should a patient need me.

      What about this: I’m there, eating with them. They ask me a privy question and I answer: ‘nice weather today’ or ‘what did you have for breakfast’? completely ignoring the question and trying to redirect.

      • Jimmycrackcrack@lemmy.ml
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        3 months ago

        Yeh that definitely sucks they’ve rigged it up in a way that’s unusual for this type of work and also forces you in to this situation. Redirecting is good and probably your best option, canny and sensitive people will notice you doing this and take it for the hint that it is but dense or uncaring people will probably carry on steering things in to places you don’t want to go. If you’re forced to eat with them then yes redirecting the conversation will work up to a point but it is a subtle skill to do so non-obviously. It’s hard to advise specifically what to say like a script, though I would say if you just totally ignore the question altogether and switch topic very bluntly it’s going to come across strange and prompt confusion and questioning. You’ll need to somehow maintain the initial thread of their topic as lip service and then turn off down an unrelated avenue fairly smoothly. It’s what politicians do professionally. Reading the other responses to your post I think they’ve got some really good ideas on how to deal with this if you really get forced in to conversing against your will. It’s a subtle art of contributing basically nothing and rephrasing their same question back to them. I think another commenter suggested something along the lines of “I don’t know much about that what about you?” and similarly bland and useless resonses. This is friendly enough not to piss anyone off and lame enough to be totally uninteresting which hopefully invites little follow up. If they continue on their original track, you can combine this with seguing to another topic.

        I didn’t suggest this to you initially because it doesn’t sound like your natural style and I think advice is best if it allows the recipient to handle things mostly in their own way while helping to avoid pitfalls in doing so. I guess you’ll have to navigate this daily frustration in a way a little outside of your comfort zone by carefully appearing to engage whilst really not and hopefully they’ll find you so boring they don’t bother anymore. Hopefully you don’t mind this giving the impression that you’re a boring person to the remaining 50% of your peers that don’t bother you so much but sometimes it’s a necessary evil.

  • calabast@lemm.ee
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    3 months ago

    You said you were out sick for 4 weeks? Do they know why? Maybe you could spin that, say “sorry, I got some scarring in my throat and talking can make it worse, so I really need to only talk about work or I’ll be up all night in pain”. Or something like that.

    Or you could try “sorry, I like working with you, and I know I’ve talked in the past, but I need to admit that I have Asperger’s/autism, and trying to make small talk is very stressful for me, so I hope you’re not offended but I feel like I’m going to burn out unless I make some changes like sticking to only work-oriented discussions from now on. Thank you for your understanding.”

    Bonus points if you type that up and hand it to people, like you can’t even tell it to then directly.

    I know both my answers are “lie in a way that makes you look abnormal” which you may feel like isn’t something you should have to do. Which is true. But you want to minimize them thinking you’re judging them, and they KNOW you are able to talk, so the best way I see is to make them think it’s a problem you have, not about them.

    🤷‍♂️ Good luck!

      • calabast@lemm.ee
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        3 months ago

        I can’t image HR getting a complaint that you aren’t making small talk, and saying “That’s outrageous! We’ll demand his medical records right now!”

        HR exists to keep the company from getting sued, and I think there’s a lot less risk for them to tell one employee “He doesn’t want to talk to you, deal with it.” vs demanding medical records for a non-work-role related issue.