My girlfriend had a lot of untreated mental/personality conditions when I met her that I was unaware of. Over the first year, she couldn’t keep it together anymore and was doing drugs more, missing tons of payments on things, missing work, fighting with friends and coworkers, and just started being rude to people for no reason.
She was still really nice to me, but she just wasn’t behaving like the person I met anymore. I started considering breaking up with her, but by that point she was starting to get in trouble with the police. I kicked her out and sent her back to her family and she ended up checking into a mental facility.
I visited her pretty frequently while she was there. I told her she should have been more forthcoming because I couldn’t help her if I didn’t know what was going on. I told her I was ready to dump her because I thought she was becoming an asshole, but now that I knew she was just sick, we’d get her taken care of.
She went through a couple years of finding the right medications that she could stick with and did a lot of therapy, group meetings, and DBT classes.
During Covid she registered to go to community college and give that another try. It was a bit difficult getting back in after failing out before, but she got in and worked really hard. She was the favorite of a lot of the teachers, and she almost got all As through the 2 years.
She graduated this year and had a job offer where she was interning waiting for her, and now she has a job she loves, and makes decent money.
We repaired her credit over the years, and it’s getting back to near excellent. We got her a new car when she had to commute to intern and do in person class and she’s kept it in good shape and quit smashing into things. She has great relationships with people now. She’s really done a total and successful rebuild after hitting rock bottom, and she’s still a friendly, caring person who is fun to be around.
I was extremely proud to see her graduate. I feel that was a major milestone from where she started. I don’t think I could have gotten myself out of what she was in. She had to work tremendously hard, but she was dedicated and determined for the years it took to accomplish, and she’s never skipped backwards. I could not be much prouder of her.
I’m not saying it’s always the right idea to stay with someone in this sort of situation. But the fact that you did was probably a major reason she could be successful. She knew she had support and that is so, so important.
I agree, it is probably not advisable for most people to do what I did.
There are many details left out of the story, but the things that really helped were that it was obvious to everyone she was a good person that was having some kind of mental illness. The police and judge were definitely not thrilled with her, but they all seemed to recognize she was not your typical troublemaker. They could have made the situation much harder to deal with.
Also her being from a family that is solidly upper middle class that is very close with each other. They also supported her emotionally, and were able to afford her treatment at the hospital and her lawyer whereas I would not have been able to.
She was extremely fortunate, all considered, throughout the whole process. It was always apparent that she wanted help. I’m a bit of refurbished “damaged goods” myself, so I was able to spot a lot of potential situations before they got much chance to develop, and could tell her to get her medications adjusted or what things to talk to her psychologist about.
Most people in her case I’m sure do not have anywhere near the resources available we did, which I do not take for granted, and she has known that also, especially being in the group therapies has shown her what could have been and I feel that was very helpful.
I don’t like getting credit for anything, as with any one factor being missing from the whole situation would have let the whole mess fall back down. I absolutely was one key ingredient, but if you asked me, I’d say a few other people were more overall significant.
But she’s the only one that had to be there through the whole thing. The rest of us could all have given up if we wanted to at any time. But she faced it all head on and dealt with every bit of it herself. It takes an amazingly strong person to do that, and that is my favorite thing about her is that inner strength while still caring so much for the other people around her.
My girlfriend had a lot of untreated mental/personality conditions when I met her that I was unaware of. Over the first year, she couldn’t keep it together anymore and was doing drugs more, missing tons of payments on things, missing work, fighting with friends and coworkers, and just started being rude to people for no reason.
She was still really nice to me, but she just wasn’t behaving like the person I met anymore. I started considering breaking up with her, but by that point she was starting to get in trouble with the police. I kicked her out and sent her back to her family and she ended up checking into a mental facility.
I visited her pretty frequently while she was there. I told her she should have been more forthcoming because I couldn’t help her if I didn’t know what was going on. I told her I was ready to dump her because I thought she was becoming an asshole, but now that I knew she was just sick, we’d get her taken care of.
She went through a couple years of finding the right medications that she could stick with and did a lot of therapy, group meetings, and DBT classes.
During Covid she registered to go to community college and give that another try. It was a bit difficult getting back in after failing out before, but she got in and worked really hard. She was the favorite of a lot of the teachers, and she almost got all As through the 2 years.
She graduated this year and had a job offer where she was interning waiting for her, and now she has a job she loves, and makes decent money.
We repaired her credit over the years, and it’s getting back to near excellent. We got her a new car when she had to commute to intern and do in person class and she’s kept it in good shape and quit smashing into things. She has great relationships with people now. She’s really done a total and successful rebuild after hitting rock bottom, and she’s still a friendly, caring person who is fun to be around.
I was extremely proud to see her graduate. I feel that was a major milestone from where she started. I don’t think I could have gotten myself out of what she was in. She had to work tremendously hard, but she was dedicated and determined for the years it took to accomplish, and she’s never skipped backwards. I could not be much prouder of her.
I’m not saying it’s always the right idea to stay with someone in this sort of situation. But the fact that you did was probably a major reason she could be successful. She knew she had support and that is so, so important.
That is the good kind of conditional love; condition is “love yourself and work towards a better tomorrow”
I agree, it is probably not advisable for most people to do what I did.
There are many details left out of the story, but the things that really helped were that it was obvious to everyone she was a good person that was having some kind of mental illness. The police and judge were definitely not thrilled with her, but they all seemed to recognize she was not your typical troublemaker. They could have made the situation much harder to deal with.
Also her being from a family that is solidly upper middle class that is very close with each other. They also supported her emotionally, and were able to afford her treatment at the hospital and her lawyer whereas I would not have been able to.
She was extremely fortunate, all considered, throughout the whole process. It was always apparent that she wanted help. I’m a bit of refurbished “damaged goods” myself, so I was able to spot a lot of potential situations before they got much chance to develop, and could tell her to get her medications adjusted or what things to talk to her psychologist about.
Most people in her case I’m sure do not have anywhere near the resources available we did, which I do not take for granted, and she has known that also, especially being in the group therapies has shown her what could have been and I feel that was very helpful.
I don’t like getting credit for anything, as with any one factor being missing from the whole situation would have let the whole mess fall back down. I absolutely was one key ingredient, but if you asked me, I’d say a few other people were more overall significant.
But she’s the only one that had to be there through the whole thing. The rest of us could all have given up if we wanted to at any time. But she faced it all head on and dealt with every bit of it herself. It takes an amazingly strong person to do that, and that is my favorite thing about her is that inner strength while still caring so much for the other people around her.