thanks, I have a pretty good support network to help deal with things. also have a therapist and psychiatrist that I see regularly

I know this is anecdotal, but I’ve had a failed suicide attempt which I only survived with medical intervention and pretty much everything u/asparagus said above was spot on. I never had any regret from deciding after-the-fact that I wanted to live, it just never happened for me. The only regret I have is that it wasn’t able to work - because all of the fallout that came from it has been worse than what led me to that decision in the first place.

the attempt itself was something I had been thinking about for a while and prepared the items to do it with quite a bit before that day. but on the day it happened something had just boiled over, can’t even remember what it was for the life of me. so there’s an element of impulsiveness there, but all that did was set the date so to speak. it’s been around 3ish years since then and it’s kind of surprising how much of my time is spent thinking about it all still. from the moment I woke up in the ER to now there’s just this dread that is always present. any time I have difficulty with really anything now, I’m always just thinking about how I made the decision to not participate in any of this and I shouldn’t have to deal with it at all - and that itself makes me really bitter/jaded I think.

anyways just wanted to share because the person before you hit the nail on the head for what my experience with it all has been

ahhh I’m glad I wasn’t making some wrong assumptions. totally understand how lacking the context probably means people aren’t fully understanding here in the comments. but like you said, might just be the people you’re currently friends with have drifted far enough out of your interest spheres that everything feels forced for you now. I hope you find people you can closer relate to and have plenty of fun conversations in the future. it sucks to feel lonely when you’re surrounded by people

not sure if I’m understanding correctly, but you’re telling your friends that you can’t do xyz because your work will be affected? when it comes to friendships in general, if you’re constantly turning down invites for whatever reason, then it just comes off as you don’t want to do anything with that person. at least that’s how I would feel - and then eventually I would stop trying hang out.

also if I had a friend that only talked about one individual subject (tech or otherwise) and I felt like I couldn’t have just normal conversations with them, I don’t know how much effort I’d be willing to put into talking to them. I love talking about games or shows I like with friends, but that’s just a small portion of what we’d talk about

i don’t know if any of that helps, but that’s how I would feel going off of what I understood you to be saying

Survived a suicide attempt from a fentanyl and ketamine overdose. Life had gone to shit and for whatever reason that day (I can’t even remember exactly), enough was enough. I had bought the stuff in advance for this moment although I was using dissociatives pretty regularly. I was on a video chat with a friend (someone who was also suicidal and we’ve talked previously about how we wouldn’t interfere with each other’s attempts if it came to that. we were really bad for each other, but it was just nice to see another light in the darkness and knowing you weren’t alone. we ultimately made each other much worse off). But anyways, she feel asleep, it was during that moment when I guess I went for it. Took all the fentanyl and ketamine I had, and was pretty much blacked out before realizing it.

Guess I walked back to the couch where she was still sleeping on the video call and I lost conscious there. Next thing I know I feel my body violently being shaken and then suddenly I’m in the ER. I couldn’t talk at all and couldn’t move anything from the neck down. that lasted several days and I slowly got motor control back. Took my legs the longest and had to do a bunch of testing.

Once they found out it was a suicide attempt I was sectioned and unable to do anything if my own accord for like the next month. I was sent to some facility specifically for people who have made suicide attempts and also had drug abuse issues. Was there for a few weeks before I was able to transfer into an outpatient program for the same thing.

I guess what had happened initially was that when I passed out I was in view of the camera, so when my friend woke up she was trying to talk l with me, realized something was wrong and then what had happened, and then she was able to get an ambulance. They got there and revived me and then that’s just a little before I woke up in the hospital. It at all just so confusing, and I think I’ll always be bitter towards that friend that called the ambulance.

Things were bad leading up to that point, but they’d get generally so much worse afterwards. None of those feelings went away and I’ve just learned to mask it for now because I’m just exhausted with everyone I know feeling like they need to be so involved with my life. My friend who saved me from attempt ended up taking her own life the next year. In a way I’m pretty envious I think