To quote the Onion themselves:

No price would be too high for such a cornucopia of malleable assets and minds. And yet, in a stroke of good fortune, a formidable special interest group has outwitted the hapless owner of InfoWars (a forgettable man with an already-forgotten name) and forced him to sell it at a steep bargain: less than one trillion dollars.

Because novelty is all it has. As soon as it stops improving in a way that makes people say “oh that’s neat”, it has to stand on the practical merits of its capabilities, which is, well, not much.

We could have had that. Now, we might not even have an FTC.

Strictly speaking, the energy it consumes is the gravitational potential energy of the ore they’re mining, which would be consumed anyway in the form of, well, gravity, acting on the ore on the way down. They’re just using it productively instead of dissipating it as heat from the brakes. Using only energy that ordinarily would have been wasted is of course very neat, but it’s not breaking any laws of physics.

Not too long ago, this would be a career-ending display of corruption.

“Something I hope we can do no matter who you voted for is see each other not as adversaries but as fellow Americans, Bring down the temperature.”

No. Human rights aren’t a disagreement. We can disagree on whether or not we enjoyed a movie or on what pizza toppings we prefer. But if the disagreement is that you want to kill me or people I care about, you are, by definition, my adversary.

A law that virtually everyone breaks and is easily selectively enforced is extremely valuable to authoritarian regimes. It’s a wildcard to imprison whoever they want.

It all makes sense when you realize they have no intention to actually run the country in good faith. They intend to do two things, plunder everything they can, and irreparably destroy the country’s future to get revenge for having the audacity to try to move forward.

That just means you value your own ability to evade blame over the lives of real people.

Oh he’d act. He’d assist Russia and be the other Axis power.

Fuck embargos, invade and liberate us. Return the favor we did for Germany 80 years ago.

2 years. Immediately after the midpoint of the term, he’ll get 25th’d, giving Vance the remainder of the term and leaving him eligible for two more, which he’ll win due to the 2028 and 2032 elections both being North Korea style shams, intended to compile lists of suspected dissidents rather than decide anything.

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It’s been in hospice since 2000.

Trump is just the useful idiot to install Vance, who’s essentially a Musk proxy.

Sure. Let’s just apply that consistently then. Atoms are binary, the vast majority (with fewer than 1% of atoms being exceptions) can be accurately identified as one of two distinct elements, hydrogen or helium.

Yep. Same software, same hardware, just different config files.

They think it’s better to make things worse if you personally can avoid blame for it on a technicality.

A fire hurricane would be terrifying.

Not just COVID, Trump’s main strategy in 2020 was to turn “taking the pandemic seriously” into a partisan issue in order to make it so early and mail voting become disproportionately blue (there was no significant correlation in the past) while poisoning the well on those ballots’ legitimacy.