Time, and centering my happiness on things besides another person. Like a rediscovery of personal identity.

I realized I had to leave or they were going to kill me. It still took me way too long, in hindsight, but I think the important thing is I actually went through with it, rather than continue to believe them telling me that no one would ever want to be around me and they’re the only one that cares about me. Bullshit. I’m doing a lot better now.

Learning that When you’re in an abusive relationship they purposefully sever your connection with self. They make huge demands around their emotions, whilst putting you in a position to abandon your needs and emotions, entirely, which severs your sense of self and disconnects you from your own emotions. Without those connections, you flounder, severely. I then worked on unstitching all the brain washing, and then, trying to recognize the negative dialogue as their narrative, not mine. I worked on rebuilding my sense of self and self worth, and reconnecting with my emotions, listening to them and soothing them, putting myself first, as if I were a dear friend or looking after myself as I would my own child. Exampling how to treat yourself, teaches kids how they should be treated and treat themselves as adults. I read everything I could, to learn about abuse and how it works, because once you understand how they perform their tricks, they don’t work on you, they lose their power entirely. Worked on why I cared what others think of me, and why I was abandoning myself for these imagined others, opinions, and not living by my own opinions and beliefs. I had this belief that others opinions were somehow more valid than mine, which is not true. Asking why, and expecting a real answer with valid facts, from all those “one rule for me another for thee” rules abusers put in your head, helped me to see, and dispel a lot of the abuse and brain washing. Because those “rules” never stack up. They’re not transferable, they usually only applied to me, why was I only deserving of dirt, why did I believe that, I wouldn’t treat anyone else like that, why did I feel like it was right to treat myself like all I deserved was dirt. I was told every day of my life I was worthless and not good enough and I don’t try hard enough and I was a burden (burden isn’t quite the right word I’m looking for, burden implies they were doing things for me, which was never the case, I was told I wasn’t deserving of even basic pleasantries, I was treated as an abomination. Looking back now I can see the levels of cruelty you have to have as a person to do that to someone else, and I can clearly see they’re twisted cruel people who have no ability to define things, opinions don’t define things, opinions are only relevant to the head they live in. I read somewhere that if someone has the opinion that they don’t like peanut butter, we don’t all stop eating just because one person doesn’t like it, why do we believe it about ourselves. And it helped me immensely.

It took me getting arrested over some bullshit to get me out, then it was just time and therapy.

I can’t recommend a good therapist enough. Mine has helped me untangle lots of things, and I’m still getting better 5 years after the split.

Counselling. Highly recommended

Relationships end for a reason. When you breakup it’s important to always remember why you broke up. It’s easy to only remember the good parts and that is often how people get sucked back in again to the same relationships and the same kinds of people.

Keep remembering what the breaking point was and how you felt at the worst times. Doing that makes it easier for yourself to rationalise why you are not together.

Also total separation is key. No willing contact again ever. If they are gone completely, then it will be easier to move on.

It took a few years, a good therapist and an amazing new relationship…

Give yourself time and space to distance yourself emotionally from it. Delve into something that lets you reestablish your identity and do independent personal growth, then use that regained confidence to find the kind of relationship you want. I just hike exhaustively until I no longer think about them or care what they’re doing, becoming more of a naturalist which helps my self-worth. In that community I can find people with similar politics who make better partners. If you try to rush your recovery from that relationship or turn to self-destruction instead of growth, you just further entrap yourself in the patterns that resulted in the last one.

the cure is more tang