cross-posted from: https://lemmy.ml/post/33157624
As a normal person with ADHD but otherwise neurotypical, I have a hard time communicating and functioning with my partner.
How do I better deal with the communication issues and honestly she entirely lacks a way to talk, express feelings, be deeper than basic interactions.
My new girlfriend is on the spectrum not high up and at first glance functions fairly normal to onlookers.
But privately and when being close or open its like she says she has a social battery but its always drained according to her, she doesn’t sleep good. Has depression and horrible anxiety. She feels scared to make moves intimately but wants to, whether it’s kissing, sexual, or in general even hand holding.
But she deals with major issues of over stimulation like talking or touching when emotions get higher or more complex she defaults to blocking people out and going into herself.
Overwhelming emotions all the time that she cannot explain or process no matter how much she tries writing to me, to be alone and think about them so we can properly discuss, the only answer she comes to is IDK. It’s like she can’t explain emotions and feelings almost at all. Which makes any understanding or functioning insanely difficult borderline impossible due to the one way nature my input and none of her output. She struggles to explain basic thoughts and doesn’t like trying or will attempt to try and get frustrated and upset or scared to try entirely. Which further increases the overwhelming feelings and discomfort. It leaves a void for us. She wants nothing but to do better and grow together but feels trapped in her autism cycle. I know it cannot be changed but I can certainly improve on how to process the situation and do better on my part.
How/what can we introduce methods to better communicate? (we tried writing letters and texting but she can’t explain things and gets confused/frustrated/upset so that is out)
What systems can we introduce and methods we can try improve these feelings?
What are some of your best advices and methods for a normal person to be educated and productive when dealing with an autistic person? So I can be a better partner too.
I am struggling to understand, communicate, and find ways to function cohesively together because for me it’s like… why can’t you try to explain things so we can improve but it always lands into a negative set of emotions. Where she feels sad, cries, gets mad, blames me, depression, anxiety, she’s constantly never ending overwhelmed.
I greatly appreciate the help. I will have open discussions with each of you as needed. Thanks for taking the time to help a normie out!
Edit: Perhaps that was way over stated. All our interactions are not negative but for the sake of the post I was focusing on those aspects to find tools to improve myself and her ability to communicate more effectively.
In no way shape or form are our interactions as basic as that sounded. We function almost entirely normal. Do normal activities, go places, hangout, work and hobbies. When I meant basic interaction I don’t mean she sits on bench and cannot function. I just meant anything outside of typical day to day like intricate displays of emotion or communication about our relationship issues is where the wall hits. Its not trust. Or as dead sounding as that seemed. Its that she lacks ways to articulate her emotions and what to say. Has issues processing.
I was looking at for tools like the emotion wheel. Similar methods. Not a psychological breakdown of her and I.
Something that helps me when I am overwhelmed with emotion is to isolate myself, write my feelings down, and then come to my partner and discuss them when I am feelings are more stable. I just write small notes so I can remember but explain them more fully verbally. When it comes to intimate touch my partner will make sure I am comfortable enough to engage or just let me make the first move.
I honestly recommend reading about autism and how autistic people think so that when she tries to explain things they are easier for you to understand. I wish I had resources to recommend on the spot but I can’t remembee them by heart
Edit: speaking very directly is also fantastic. Tell her exactly and directly what you are feeling and what is making you feel that way. It is as simple as “I am feeling ________ because of ______ and that is making act like _______”
We do all this. We are direct. She has trouble finding the words, or has no clue what to say. I was trying to find tools, resources, and ideas how to empower her to communicate. She wants to talk. Wants to tell me things. But when it’s time to talk or tell me she has no ability to. Not physically she can talk fine. Emotionally and mentally. It’s like a barrier between her brain and communication normal. With words. Like we all do.
Maybe stop trying to use words. Use colors or textures, make a little posterboard and work through what looks or feels right in her head. Meaning, if dark blue means she’s scared, or if green means she’s frustrated that’s okay. Don’t just go with red= angry if that didn’t feels right for her. Let her use as many colors or textures as she needs to get her point across.
It’s also really important to include what she wants from you on this board. Like, just shut up for an hour, or hold her, or go to the store and get her favorite soda. This is just to help her build trust that she can have some control in an uncomfortable situation. Right now she might not really have that, and may be why she’s landed on avoidance
Use it while physically together, but also take a picture so a screenshot can be shared with little edits over what she’s associated with her feelings.
When I’m overstimulated by emotions I have an internal meltdown that can graduate to external if I’m being pushed. I absolutely can’t think of words in that state, and often I’m afraid to even express myself in those moments.
The last paragraph sounds like her she will go quiet unless you keep poking at an issue then she will talk but be extra moody. She’s totally normal day to day and not super autistic it’s mild. Another commenter said to try a mood wheel. They sent a few examples and I saved them to try to send to her as a tool in the bag. That’s the type of ideas I was looking for.
You just reminded me that my therapist sent me a mood wheel, too. I ended up ignoring it because it was color coded lol.
But in that same packet she sent me some grounding techniques to try, and that’s actually been really useful for me to pull out of a meltdown. Box breathing is my favorite one, but seriously there’s so many to try
I checked them both out and shared them. Thank you. These things are great. These techniques and tools people are suggesting are what I was looking for. Any other advice or suggestions let me know.