Based on this, I might have more specific follow-up questions. Please be kind with me as this program just started, and we are all really just trying to create friend groups as efficiently as possible and have good intentions, before everyone gets set in their ways so to speak. Thank you!

EDIT: One of the guys (Bob) suggested that we create a group text (aka chat). So I made one, including 5 of my guy friends but excluding 2 girls that I was closer to before and want to now distance from (obviously didn’t state this explicitly as we have to be “PC”, but the context is she kept spamming/complaining in our girls’ chat, is very phony, and once lied to me after this chat was formed, which they know nothing about as she puts on a facade for them). Bob and one of the other guys (Ed), are friends with one of the girls (Ann), so they were unhappy but ultimately went along with it. Then 2 other guys got added to the chat. After a week or so, 2 of my closest guy friends in this chat (one of which I’m starting to develop feelings for) asked me about those girls I used to hang out with and that we should add more girls to our chat. I said there’s no drama; I just spent more time with them in the past before I had a chance to branch out and meet new people which I always like to do. I’m unsure if they feel this way specifically because of Bob/Ed wanting Ann to join, or since nearly all of the single guys were competing for my attention at some point and giving me somewhat romantic signals. I’m generally friendly so guys sometimes can’t tell if I like them romantically or am just being “nice”. I’ve been cautious about liking the guys’ messages and haven’t even really done so but I do actively respond when they initiate topics. We left it at: we’ll brainstorm which girls to add. This was before I started liking him, so he said he wanted to add a girl that he thinks he likes but not yet. He didn’t update back, possibly as we’ve recently started seeing each other differently as well.

Recently, I got pulled into a get-together with Bob/Ed where they didn’t tell me who was coming so I basically went in blindly, and Ann was behaving like the host. A few other guys from our group were there but not my closest friends, weirdly enough. It was very uncomfortable, and I had to act like it was fine. To make things weirder, Bob made a group text with only those who attended this event, asking everyone to text when they got home (we drank a lot but I think this was a silly excuse to form a new group chat where she’s the center of attention). I was unhappy and don’t know if I should confide in the guy I like about all of this. Idk how much he knows, or how close he really is to these other guys. A lot of politics. Then, someone who’s good friends with the one I like asked in the chat to meet today, and we 3 all went, along with Ed and a guy who was at the weird event. I feel like Ed and that guy are always colluding to bring Ann in, disregarding how I feel and my preferences - even if they don’t know the actual reasons.

Wasn’t it inappropriate for them to basically play me like that and not just tell me upfront about Ann? And create a stupid group text, which she has continued to blow up? Should I talk to the guy I like about all of this, or I’m afraid he’ll think it’s too much drama? Should I explain about her complaints/lies, or just be PC and ignore the new chat? Shouldn’t they respect my preferences instead of pressuring me to add a girl because what is so wrong with enjoying a chat with the bros (even if one isn’t seen as platonic now)? Or should I just add a different girl I like better, even if it risks getting awkward (e.g. she judges me for talking to so many guys or they don’t gel)? Or should I disengage from this group and be polite from a distance? I don’t know how to salvage this. I want to be friends and stay professional overall, while tapping into potential with the guy I like, but I don’t know if it’s time for me to just distance myself. He also hasn’t really initiated private texts with me nor asked me to spend time one on one, and I fear the group text prevents this. Please help me out, all!

  • Stepos Venzny@beehaw.org
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    2 months ago

    Given how it started,

    One of the guys (Bob) suggested that we create a group text

    and how it continued,

    Bob made a group text with only those who attended this event, asking everyone to text when they got home

    the stakes of any course of action feel pretty low. These groups Bob’s setting up feel pretty much like they were done on a whim from the start so I wouldn’t overthink how to participate in them. Invite more members if that would make you more comfortable, disengage if that would make you more comfortable, and trust that other members will eventually do what makes them comfortable in turn until you all find equilibrium.