Kintsugi =)! Hahaha! I only smile because I am part-Japanese and I grew up looking at one of those vases during my childhood. I hear what you’re saying. My health took a huge spiral (I’ve actually got a doc appointment I’ve gotta leave for in 20) and it fucked me up. I was a really industrious person, and everything slowed to a trickle. And in that trickle, there was only pain. I really felt cheated, and angry. And hopless. I was so fucking mad, I was too young. That’s how I saw it. Too young to be hurting like this. But now I’m working together with my medical team, and the loving support of the people in my life and I am optimistic about things. But I don’t think I will ever go back to who I was. And that’s a falsehood, I don’t think it’s solid thinking in general. And I was feeding myself that and making myself sick with this pain that if I couldn’t go back to the way things were - why fight at all? And I totally have childhood trauma that has fucked certain ways that I get to experience/interact with the world. And I don’t think anything really will go through and fix that. And I think a part of accepting that helps me just be…me. And yeah, restarting takes a lot of energy and it sucks every time you’ve gotta muster it especially as you get older.

BUT! I still think that the whole it’s worth the venture. And I didn’t always think this way, but that’s yet again why I was talking about shrinks. Because I think finding the right shrink helps unravel all the rest. Because she got me to move forward in a way that I was unwilling to at the time because I couldn’t see outside of what I was feeling immediately. And it was exhaustion and pain.

If you wanna keep talking though, I am here. And I hope you find what you need ultimately to feel better. Even if it’s just a bunch of menial things.